Life And The Status of Our Four Major Sports Teams
Let’s talk. It’s been a while! There’s a lot to get to as it’s a busy time in Philadelphia. I assume everyone is over their Grammy’s hangover by now. Really nice of Beyoncé to show up and grace us with the most over the top, douchebag, narcissistic performance of all time. It’s as if she’s the only woman in the history of the world to be pregnant and it just so happens she’s carrying in her womb a baby sent to her directly from God.
Anyways let’s hit on a few sports related topics from the four major sports teams in the city:
Phillies: Pitchers and catchers report today so that’s a great sign that warm weather is almost here. That’s one of the few things to get excited about with this team. Although, I will say there’s nothing quite like a summer night down at the ballpark, so I look forward to stuffing my face with Schmitter’s and Landshark pounders in the very near future.
Flyers: Does anyone care about this uninspiring, hopeless team? I keep hearing about how great of a job Hextall is doing rebuilding the team. Where is the talent? I know they’ve got a few promising young defenseman, one of which has been a healthy scratch for half the year, but what the hell are we supposed to be getting excited about?
Eagles: Really an exciting time for all the beat writers who have miraculously turned into scouts this time of year as they pump out their mock drafts. Eliot Shorr Parks (The Alien) has literally put out five, full, seven round mock drafts. Hard to believe a guy that doesn’t watch college football is knowledgeable enough to be able to make predictions about where over 200 college prospects will be drafted. Another one is Jimmy Kempski who has ruined four computers already by ejaculating all over them as he watched the all-22 tape in preparation for his mock drafts.
Sixers: Could the Sixers PR department have botched this shit worse than they already have? What the hell is going on down there? First, we learn that after Embiid has been sitting out for a “bone bruise”, he actually has a partially torn meniscus. Whatever… They were shady and lied to us for God knows what reason, but that injury really isn’t a big deal. The part that chaps my ass is the stuff with Ben Simmons. The fucking guy has been sitting for five months for what is a three month injury! Why??? Why isn’t someone down there asking that fucking question? He’s been medically cleared by doctors for three damn weeks now! Given a completely clean bill of health. He’s a player. Players get paid to play games. I don’t give a shit whether they are making the playoffs or not, because that was never the plan anyways for this year. You wasted a year to draft this guy and he’s 100% healthy sitting on the bench, not playing. Where in the hell is the accountability and what are we gaining by sitting him? I could get in my car and get run over by a truck and die on my way home tonight, does that mean I should pitch a tent in the office and camp out here for the rest of my life? Of course not…
PS: I love Cee Lo Green
May 24, 2017
May 08, 2017