David ‘Murph’ Murphy

David 'Murph' Murphy

David Murphy is the smartest guy in the room.  According to David Murphy.  As a fellow La Salle U alumnus, it pains me to do this, but fuck David Murphy.  Reading Murph’s writing on Philly.com reminds me of the time I attempted to watch Adam Sandler’s gem, Jack and Jill.  I gave it 5 minutes, turned it off, went upstairs, rubbed one out and took a shower to try to erase it permanently from my mind.  That’s how I feel after reading something from Murph.  But it goes further than that.  Murph intentionally makes you feel dumber.  He gets off to people not understanding what he says because he is so smart.  Look, I think I have half a brain.  But when Murph breaks into his egomaniacal soliloquies like he’s the next god damn Bill Shakespeare, I feel helpless.  Words are being thrown around I’ve never even heard of.  Theres nothing us average joe’s can do but chalk one up to Murph.  He won.  We clicked on his article to read about something we care about and then we’re left lying in the middle of Broad Street half-naked, abused and our assholes bleeding.

I like to think that Murph uses his genius intelligence to do more than just write for Philly.com.  I mean he has to right?  You can’t let that brain go to waste.  Could he be a doctor too?  Doctors love big words no one knows.  But that’s too obvious for Murph.  Maybe he’s a grand master chess champion?  Quite possible.  But I think he’s more than that – he wants to do something more impactful.  You know, leave a legacy for all future generations?  That type of shit.  So Murph is also an artist.   A painter.  Is there anyone more obnoxious and egotistical than an artist?  You can literally draw a black line on canvas and they’ll say “the line represents the economic and social divide created by conservative ideologies, thus illustrating the false dichotomy of political identity.”  Uhh, whats that?  What the hell does that even mean?  It’s a line.  You drew a fuckin’ line.  But that’s Murph.  He’s smarter than all of us so what better way to make us feel dumber than paint shit on canvas we’ll never understand.  Neat.


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