New Year’s Resolutions: 2017

New Year's Resolutions:  2017

I’m a huge New Year’s Resolutions guy. New Year, new me, right? Life is always about setting goals for yourself so you have something to work towards. So why not really dig into the New Year’s spirit with my Top 10 resolutions for 2017:

1. Cure IBS. I’ve never had as many flare ups than in 2016, so something needs to change. I’ve tried super expensive prescriptions, the Squatty-Potty (as seen on Shark Tank) as well as good old fashioned careful eating and drinking with loads of fiber. Shit didn’t work. Literally. So now I’m looking into experimental hallucinogens hoping to eviscerate this disease once and for all. I’ll keep you posted on that.

2. Continue my undying support for the fashion comeback of the century that was the choker. Christ. I went to Del Frisco’s about a month ago and ladies were dressed to the nines sporting the choker. Such a hot look! I’m gonna throw that in my top 5 hottest things I’ve ever seen, right up there with Kylie Jenner’s lips, ass and thighs.

3. Sit down with our second favorite Eagles blogger Jimmy Kempski to learn and understand the game of football better. No one, and I mean no one can evaluate talent, coach, put together ridiculous mock drafts and develop QB’s better than Jimmy Kempski. So why not pick his ‘elite’ brain?

4. Give my shoulder to extraordinare Les Bowen to cry on. Les needs it. It’s been a tough couple months for Liberal Les ever since Donald J Trump won the country’s nomination for President of the United States. I want to be there for Les as a man, a liberal and as an uneducated liberal who happily voted for Hillary Clinton. No offense to liberals here. #MAGA

5. Continue to cultivate a culture accountability. It’s a simple premise but people continue to get away with murder and it needs to stop. For example, I find it unacceptable that Rob Ellis is still on the air completely neutering poor Harry Mayes. Ellis has straight up murdered Mayes and he needs to be held accountable for that.  #RIP Harry

6. Find out where Eliot Shorr-Parks, “The Alien” landed his spaceship. Then proceed to find that little Alien boy, shove him back in that spaceship and send him back to wherever the hell he’s from.

7. Lose weight because Jimmy Kempski said I gained 80 pounds. More like 20 Jimmy. Fuckin’ Drama King!

8. Meet Dustin Picciotti and talk about CB West football over a beer or ten. If you’re reading this and don’t understand what I’m talking about, just watch this.  It’s a documentary on MY high school football team that I played for 5 years later when we weren’t good anymore.  Also know that Dustin Picciotti was the #1 fullback in the Country in 1998 with offers from every big time college program. Legendary legend in Doylestown, PA.

9. Retire Counting Crows – Mr. Jones from my Karaoke repertoire. Sad, sad day but it’s time to move on to bigger and better tunes like REM – Losing My Religion and Gin Blossoms – Hey Jealousy.

10. Make Philly Great Again.


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